a bad case of reflectionitis.
15 June 2006
  Happy Father's Day Confession
Because it's always about money with Dads. And maybe there are slivers of time when it's about pride and honor. But other than that, it's money. So here it goes, verbatim, my Father's Day confession ...

[1. I owe Discover Card $2500.
2. I owe Victoria’s Secret and the Gap (combined) around $300.
3. My class I have to take to get my diploma costs $700.
4. I owe Marquette $185.
5. I owe Direct Loans over $300.
6. I have $150 to my name.
7. My cell phone bill is $60 a month.
8. I pay at least $82 a month on my Discover.
9. I am slowly redeeming myself from the hole I created with my VS and Gap Cards.
10. I want to save money.
11. I try to save money.
12. I haven’t gotten promoted yet because of setbacks at work.
13. I pay for gas and the necessary bills that come around the beginning and middle of each month.
14. Then I don’t end up saving much because I have to have some kind of a social life.
15. I haven’t bought a new article of clothing since February.
16. I am sick of asking for your help, so I want you to know that I am going to stop. Now you know where I am financially, so you understand the situation and how you can help when you are able to do so. But other than what you foresee, I will not make suggestions or requests.
17. You are not allowed to take out loans for the sake of helping me.
18. I will take out a loan for my class so long as you co-sign it. I promise to pay it off when the time comes; I don’t ever want you to have to take away from the money you rightfully earn to give to me – your 22 year old college graduate of a daughter who should be able to support herself.
19. I hate money so much that sometimes, knowing that I have to start my life as an adult poor and uncomfortable makes me want to drive my car off of the highway into a ditch. (I kind of actually mean that.)
20. I promise I’m trying. I really am. I’m still not conditioned to be successful with money. I am so afraid that I won’t be able to take care of myself. I’m sad that you have to know that I’m not afloat and that I can’t do it alone. I want you to be proud of me for being responsible and planning ahead. I cry a lot wishing I could take every meal, every piece of clothing, every impulse buy back.
21. I appreciate every single thing you do. E V E R Y. I don’t resent you for not having thousands of dollars saved for my college. I don’t resent you for taking naps and not wanting to talk to me. I don’t even resent you for not caring about what I am going through. I only appreciate how hard you work and how hard you try to be my Dad.
22. I know I’m just another thing on the list of stuff to take care of. I accept that. I deserve to be treated and known as something to be taken care of. It is a burden, it is work, it is inconvenient that I am here. I’m going to try harder every day to make my stay at home worth your money. I am going to contribute more.
23. I might be depressed. Perhaps it’s the transition of college to work life. Perhaps I just feel like a complete failure. You have to know that I did not leave college proud or happy. I could have done a lot better. I could have worked harder. I could have earned more awards and honors. I did well but I didn’t do great. And I resent myself. I have regret. I consider myself a failure, and I am very sad about how little I have to offer employers. That’s how I feel. That’s something I go through. You should know because I’ll never tell you to your face that I might not be who all of you thought I was cracked up to be. I don’t think I can do great things. I feel small and incapable of much more than windexing windows and making my bed. I hate waking up.
24. Life is really hard right now, and I am overwhelmed by everything. I can’t keep up with the mistakes of my past, I am consistently making them in the present, and I am so afraid of my future that I would give anything to avoid going there. Please take it easy on me, Dad. Please talk softer and hug me more because my insides hurt from all the punishing I do to myself as it is. I’m not okay. I’m not even close. I just really need you right now. I don’t need you to remind me that I don’t know what I’m doing or that I’m not doing anything right. I’ve told myself those things repeatedly and I hate myself. I really do. I just need to get better at this. I need to feel like you’re still there. I need some support. So love me, and be patient. I am doing my best to make you proud. And to give you peace at last.

25. I love you very much. And despite knowing that when I fail financially and otherwise that you must find a surplus in either your bank or your time to meet my need, I had to tell the truth. That's your Father's Day gift. Now I don't have a single secret. And you can tell me what to do for free, without my attitude, without my premature wisdom. Tell me what to do. And I will.]
You are so much more than a number on any bill.
Good thing she has me to make her aware of that.
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