a bad case of reflectionitis.
25 September 2005
  at the end of the night
I used to be sure that going to bed alone was okay because in due time, I'd find someone to spend the rest of my life in bed with.

But tonight I am looking at the space that has only been occupied by body pillows and stuffed superheroes without a guarantee. A man in my bed? Forever?

I'm not sure that I can spend all of this time waiting for something so completely unlikely.

I hate to be defeated.

How could I possibly be? Am I 21 years of age and already ruling out the possibility of marriage?

People are just so damn replacable.

I cannot, not one single bit - fathom... a life with someone. The rest of my life (whenever the rest of my life begins) with another person. Who could be so tolerable?

Sometimes I am certain that my passion is too strong to ever be matched by another human being. Then I think - sure - it's possible. But it has to be a miracle. There has to be an element of uncanny attraction and I have to fall in love immediately. If someone wants to stick with me and survive through this thing called "til death do us part," I am pretty sure he'll be permanent the second I make eye contact.

If you give me a week, I'll slip away. I just need one impressive instant. Otherwise, that millisecond of hope becomes a week of conjuring up flaws and dead ends.

All these dead ends.

My poor empty bed.

Me. Whining about it. Damn well knowing that I hate feeling smothered in bed. And that I find it remarkably difficult to find a breathing rhythm with someone else's piled on top of mine. And most imporantly, staring up at my twin sized bunk bed and realizing that I don't want to share it.

I just want to share myself.
 
Comments:
21 is WAY to early to start thinking about marriage. You're going to stay with someone for 50-60 years? I got married at 23, and think that was too early.
 
Think of it this way Sara...when you go to sleep at night, you don't have to wonder if you're going to wake up on the floor because you were kicked out during the night:) I get kicked out of my own bed almost nightly because someone else wants the entire bed!!
 
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