100 Things Mommy Taught Me
1. What a blow job is.
2. Birthday cake is a breakfast food.
3. How to fold a burrito.
4. Where the Wild Things Are.
5. Bras are only for wearing in public.
6. How to cry and look beautiful doing it.
7. The 10 Commandments.
8. How to microwave vegetables.
9. Being yourself is worth persecution.
10. People can be unnecessary.
11. How to kill slugs with salt.
12. To always look inside first.
14. The alphabet.
15. To appreciate Bryan Adams despite his laughable fame.
16. All people aren't treated equally.
17. Boys will think I'm pretty when they grow up.
18. Pride can be dangerous.
19. Sanity is highly overrated.
20. How to pick produce at the grocery store.
21. Quality always outweighs quanitity.
22. Michael Jackson used to be black. And handsome.
23. Growing up should be avoided at all costs.
24. Addiction doesn't define a person.
25. To roll up my window so the smoke only goes out the other one.
26. To write in call caps.
27. Big bills go on the inside, small on the outside.
28. The world isn't cruel. It's beautiful.
29. Giving birth won't be hard for my hips.
30. Make-up hides our beauty.
31. Hair spray can correct most any hair crisis.
32. The Ultimate Warrior was sexy.
33. Selfishness is more than okay.
34. AIDS isn't contagious.
35. Mel Gibson has a nice ass.
36. Pain is relative.
37. Screening phone calls is not shady business.
38. Goodwill isn't just for poor people.
39. Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays.
40. Disappointing people hurts more than angering them.
41. How to overdress for winter and waddle to class without a cold.
42. People like being around me.
43. All men snore.
44. To be a devout letter writer - even if I am not planning on sending them all.
45. That parenting is self-taught.
46. Every state capital.
47. My love for public transportation.
48. That I'm a total brat and always will be.
49. Masturbation isn't a big deal. Everyone does it.
50. Beating Ninja Gaiden is worth calling into work.
51. At least I have a Daddy.
52. If I don't want to, I don't have to.
53. Metabolism slows down eventually. And I will too.
54. How to go home.
55. Depression is over-diagnosed.
56. One spanking is all a child needs if its done right.
57. My love for red ink.
58. If you aren't corrected, you won't improve.
59. The weight of words.
60. To fight to the death.
61. Security can mean more than attraction.
62. How to throw things to prove a point.
63. What the French words in "Lady Marmalade" mean.
64. Cunt is a word you can slap someone in the face for calling you.
65. That waitresses are geniuses that had babies instead of going to college.
66. George Bush doesn't eat broccoli, so we should vote for Dukakis.
67. Never make excuses.
68. Very few people actually play fair.
69. Yes, please.
71. Prayer heals. If not wounds, at least the conscience.
72. Being a late bloomer has pay-offs.
73. Smile even if you're having a bad day.
74. They're all just jealous.
75. How to pine over musicians.
76. We'll drive all night if that's what it takes to make this better.
77. How to season food to taste.
78. Who cares if it's the broken piece. It tastes the same as the others.
79. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
80. Having a sense of humor simply means you laugh at other's jokes. And make them feel good.
81. That I have the most beautiful hands in the world.
82. To go tell Oprah if it's really that bad.
83. All it takes is one library card to open a mind forever.
84. Take advice. Not because you'll follow it, but because people like to give it.
85. Guys should always let girls pee first because they can hold it.
86. Everything is better with butter on it.
87. Compulsive cleaning behavior.
88. Success follows me wherever I go.
89. To sleep naked.
90. That I am her life's greatest work.
91. The courage it takes to really look someone in the eyes.
92. The appropriate way to answer a phone.
93. The importance of touch.
94. It's rude to tell people how they should feel.
95. How much creamer to add to Grandma's coffee.
96. Card tricks.
97. How to rub babies gums when they're teething.
98. That empathy is at the root of good listening.
99. It all happened for a reason.
100. Just how lucky I am.i love my mommy. more than she knows. more than the world could ever imagine.