a bad case of reflectionitis.
26 July 2005
  Death by Chocolate

Case-in-point. Posted by Picasa

Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their
strengths. - Lois Wyse

My weakness makes me stronger. Try that one on.

It has become men. And I'm not about to apologize.

I face either the scrutiny of a world that says a woman should embrace her independence and grow a tree before she can have a house... or the scrutiny of an age-old tradition that says there are three major checkpoints in life: education, a career, and marriage. And that is giving society some credit.

I am not in the mood to build a tree before having my house. Treehouses are overrated anyways. They're exclusive and conditional. Why prove that I can grow a tree in order to have fun by building some house that I don't necessarily need? The civil-like engineered lifestyle of the modern 20-something woman is almost as binding as the aprons that used to keep us afloat. Besides, tree houses are incredibly dull. You climb up, crawl in, remain in a hunched over position because you can't stand due to the low ceiling, and just sit there. Drinking tea and pretending to be sophisticated and above the bottom-feeders who are grounded by their lack of an invitation. Well I say screw being too good for the ground. I'll ride my bike in circles around that damn tree and my pack of followers... they'll follow me down the road to a park where there are swings to fly off of. There is always a healthy alternative to being pushed into a tree in order to fit in. It's called fitting in to yourself.

Clinging on to your independence and running up a tree to keep it is no better than registering at Crate & Barrel and putting your college degree in a drawer. The problem is that women are placed into this vat of injustice. They're strong if they avoid marriage and build their career and their own personal identity and weak if they vow to become part of a selfless, child-bearing union.

ASSUMING that is...

... that those are the only way to define a woman. Which they are not. Women can wait to have kids until they are 37. Marry at 19. Tell their husband to stay at home. Or never get married at all. Or put their whole life into a Fortune 500 company.

We're all complex and need more than we've ever been equipped to get for ourselves without uneducated and pompous critique.

I've resolved my fear that needing a man means I'm weak by simply adjusting my mindset. I am weakened by men. Physically, mentally, emotionally. They take my fortress down and have the power to make me forget that I need to get work done and do things like clean my room. I accept this. Because they also make me so strong. They make me believe that there is such a thing as complete. And full. And that love can solve any problem. And that sometimes, even if I hate to admit it, I just cannot open a damn bottle of pickles without his grip.

I wish I could say my weakness was something easy. Like chocolate. Such an easy vice. If it starts to get you fat, you can just go workout. Men cannot be worked off. They are a variable that is constantly being considered. And I am a new slave to this concept. Wondering... what does he mean to me? Who is he to me?

He's not a fixture. At least not yet.
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